I Won't Give Up
by saelysia-the-greater
Summary: "I want to be angry at him, to yell and rage and show everyone that he's mine." Clark didn't understand why he married her. He thought that Lex loved him, and no one else. Clark's feelings on the day of Lex's marriage. Clark Kent/Lex Luthor. Established relationship prior to story. Rated M for mentions of slash and the occasional foul word. One-shot.


_**I Won't Give Up**_

_A/N: Hello lovelies! This is a Smallville one-shot that I've been writing while I wait for the Frying Pan of Inspiration to hit me for New Perspective and ISWAW. This is about Clark's perspective on Lex's marriage to Desirée in season 2. There were so many Clex feels in that episode. It was like...damn. The title is from the Jason Mraz song._

_"I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz, "Somewhere Only We Know" from Glee, "Misery Loves Its Company" by the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, and "Cough Syrup" by Young the Giant wrote this._

_Smallville, Lex, and all the others are owned by Alfred Gough, Miles Millar, DC Comics, and all those other people. If I owned it, Lex and Clark would be going at it like crazy._

_Flashbacks are in italics, just so you know. Read on, my minions! Read! _

* * *

He flourishes his left hand, his wedding band catching in the sunlight as he gestures toward the mansion. It glows, basking in the light, and everyone's eyes are drawn to it. It truly is beautiful.

I stare at the offensive gold ring, wishing that I could destroy it. Every time he looks at it or smiles when someone compliments him on the beautiful ceremony, my heart clenches painfully.

I want to be angry at him, to yell and rage and show everyone that he's mine. I want to hurt him for asking me to be his best man. It was like he was throwing his marriage in my face.

My grip on the champagne glass causes it to shatter, startling several guests. A woman gasps, asking if I'm alright.

I'm fine, I assure them, must have been holding the glass too tight. It may have been a weak glass. My voice is a dull monotone, speaking the words they want to hear.

I smile tightly at them before walking away, saying I was going to wash my hands to make sure I wasn't cut. I was fine, really.

I look but don't see anything as I push past people, blindly heading into the mansion to the bathroom. I think Chloe calls my name, but I'm not sure.

I can't breathe, can't think... I can't do anything. My mind is racing in a thousand different directions, all of my thoughts revolving around him. The way he smiles, really smiles, and his beautiful green eyes light up. His laugh, his voice... How quickly he manages to tear down all of my walls and let him in.

In my disoriented state, I wind up in his office and I stand still for a few moments, taking in the simple room where so much had happened between us.

I take a few tentative steps, looking at his desk. I had told him I loved him there, after we finished screaming at one another about something trivial.

_"I don't know why you're so upset," he snarled. "I was just trying to figure out what happened!"_

_"I saved your life! That's all that matters!" _

_"Dammit, Clark, I just want to know how my car ended up-"_

_"Lex, just leave it!"_

_There was silence, each of us breathing heavily as we try not to lunge at one another in anger. I glared at him and he glared back, an expression I wasn't used to seeing on his face._

_My heart was beating painfully fast and I felt that I should say something, something to ease the tension._

_The words that flew out of my mouth next changed everything._

_"I love you."_

_The silence grew thicker, if that was possible. My face was hot with mortification. I couldn't believe that I had just told him what I'd been holding in for weeks._

_"You...what?"_

_His voice sent shivers down my spine and I felt my heart begin to race._

_"I...I love you," I repeated, looking him in the eye. I was shaking and I had to place my hands on his desk to keep from falling. _

_His eyes were unreadable, calculating, and I felt so foolish for telling him. He was going to use this against me._

_'No, no. He wouldn't. He wouldn't do that to me.'_

_"Clark..."_

_I closed my eyes, drinking in the way his voice sounded when he said my name. It was so heartbreakingly beautiful._

_I wanted him, all of him, to be mine. Every bit of him. Emotionally, physically... Everything. I had never wanted anything as much as I wanted him. _

_I never heard him move, but suddenly he was in front of me, his hand cupping the right side of my face, pulling my face to his. His lips were centimetres from mine, tantalising and tempting. So, so tempting._

_"Are you sure?" he whispered, his breath brushing my lips. "Are you sure that you could possibly love someone like me?"_

_Instead of answering him with words, I pressed forward, our lips meeting. _

_I put every ounce of passion I possessed in my body into that kiss, hoping that he would understand how serious I was, how much I needed him. _

I run a finger over my lips, a habit I had picked up since I first kissed Lex. It was a reassuring gesture, as if I were telling myself Lex was still mine.

A wave of anger builds up again, and I have to grip a chair to keep from throwing something. I want to break everything, even Lex. Especially Lex.

But then my anger dissipates. I can never stay angry at Lex. I could forgive him for anything.

"Get a grip, Clark," I mutter, sighing. The pain is still there, sharp and crippling. It hurts to breathe, to think. Everything hurts. I close my eyes, trying to keep tears from falling.

I was not going to cry. Not here, not in this place.

"Clark?"

My eyes snap open and I turn around slowly, praying that I was just hearing things. _Please don't let it actually be him_, I pray. _Please_.

But it is him. Lex Luthor in all his beautiful glory, leaning against the doorway with his hands in his pockets. He looks as if nothing could ever bother him.

His easy smile disappears when he sees my eyes, which I'm sure are red and bloodshot.

"Clark, are you alright?"

_Am I? No. I'm not. I don't think I ever will be, not with you married off to...to her._ I can't even think of her name without wanting to vomit.

"I'm fine," I manage to grit out, giving him what I hope is a smile. It's probably more of a grimace, but it's close enough.

"Are you sick?" he asks, coming closer. He holds his hand out as if to feel my forehead. I shy away from that hand as if it were on fire.

"Clark."

"What, Lex?" Saying his name makes my tongue feel like lead. My throat feels dry, like I've swallowed sawdust.

"What's wrong?"

_Everything. You. You're married to someone who isn't me. I thought you loved me. _

I look up at him through my eyelashes. "Do you love her?" I ask in a tight, pathetic voice.

"Do I- What?"

"Do you love her, Lex?"

"I don't understand why you're asking-"

"Lex. Answer the goddamn question."

"...Yes. I do."

I feel my knees threaten to give out and my breathing is suddenly shallow and strangled. I can't breathe, can't move, can't-

"Clark!" Lex says, holding my face in his hands. "Clark, look at me!"

I shake my head weakly. I can't look at him.

"Clark, I love her," he says. I close my eyes tightly, trying not to let him see how much that wounds me. He's mine, mine only.

"I guess that's all that matters," I whisper. "Please let go of me."

"Not until you tell me what's wrong."

_God, how blind can he be? Can't he see that he's what's wrong with me? That the fact he's with someone else is tearing me apart on the inside?_

I put a hand on his chest, right over his heart, letting it linger there for a few moments, and then push him away gently. "You married Desirée," I say weakly. "That's what's wrong."

I stare at the ground as I walk out of the office, afraid to look at him. I'm afraid to see the look on his face. Is it one of resentment, confusion, anger? I don't know, and I don't want to know.

"Clark."

I pause at the door, keeping my eyes on the ground. When he doesn't say anything else, I continue out into the hall, where I see Chloe waiting for me.

"Clark?" she asks, her big eyes full of concern.

"Let's get out of here," I say quietly, feeling that one rebellious tear run down my face.

She nods in understanding, taking my arm and leading me out of the mansion. She doesn't say anything, for which I'm grateful. I didn't think I'd be able to handle talking.

She drives me home without saying a word and watches me go into the barn with a sad look on her face. I know she wants to help, but she knows that I don't want to talk.

I feel bad, leaving her like that, but I just couldn't unload on her like that. I have a feeling that she knows, because Chloe has that way of knowing things, but I don't want to take any chances.

Besides, it wasn't fair to take my anger and sadness out on her.

I go up into the loft and sit down by the telescope, putting my head in my hands, breathing heavily through my mouth When I hear her car pull away I let the tears fall.

They come quickly, and I do nothing to stop them. No one's here to see me like this, so I let them fall. I need this.

_"Clark," Lex whispered against my shoulder. We were lying in his bed together, curled up against one another. He had just made love to me for the first time, and I was convinced I'd died and gone to heaven, to use the old cliché._

_"Mm?" I opened my eyes a sliver, just enough to see his face. _

_"I love you."_

_I smiled and closed my eyes. "I know," I whispered back. I felt him kiss my shoulder, working his way up on my neck. He sucked on the spot right below my ear gently._

_My hands wandered lazily across his bare chest, down to his stomach and lower, making him shiver. I continued my ministrations, grabbing and stroking him lightly. Lex moans quietly and stops sucking on my neck, rolling so that he was on top of me._

_"Don't start something you can't finish," he muttered, moving in for a kiss that would ultimately lead to more sex. Not that I minded._

_"Wasn't planning on it," I whispered, meeting his lips eagerly._

I don't know how long I sat there and cried, but it was dark when I finally could stop. My head was pounding and I just wanted to lie down and sleep.

I knew my parents were probably home by now, so I knew that hiding would only delay the inevitable. I rub my eyes and stand up, knowing that I must look like hell. I definitely feel like it.

I leave the barn and head over to the house, my feet dragging in the dirt.

I don't notice the nice car sitting by Dad's truck, so I'm completely surprised when I open the door to the house and find Lex sitting at my kitchen table, his head in his hands. Mom and Dad are still in their clothes from the wedding.

Dad is gripping Lex's shoulder sympathetically, and Mom is smiling sadly.

"I don't know what I was thinking," he whispers, rubbing at his face. "I honestly don't."

"We all make mistakes, Lex," Mom says.

"Pardon my language, Mrs. Kent, but I fucked this up royally. I don't think I can fix this one."

I stand there at the door for a few moments before closing it behind me quietly.

"What about Desirée?" I ask, my voice rough and hoarse from crying.

Lex's head snaps up, his green eyes wide and red. I'm dumbfounded. Had Lex been...crying? That didn't make any sense. Lex never cried, never.

"Clark," he says, standing. He starts as if to move towards me, but then he stops. Mom and Dad get up and leave the kitchen, but I don't even notice. I'm staring at Lex, not quite believing he's actually in my kitchen instead of at home, with Desirée.

"Why are you here?" I ask softly, leaning against the door.

"I came to see you," he replies, sticking his hands in his pockets. He looks uncomfortable.

"Shouldn't you be home with...?" My voice catches in my throat and my heart clenches again. "Her?"

"Forget about her," Lex says, as if that were the solution to all of the world's problems.

I sigh, feeling drained and exasperated. "Lex, you're married and-"

"And I love you," he interrupts. His green eyes meet mine and all of my protests die. Lex moves closer so that we're almost touching. Almost. I can feel the warmth from his body, his breath on my cheeks.

I'm shaking and I'm suddenly afraid to move, knowing that I might fall if I do.

"I love you, Clark," he whispers again, lifting a hand and cupping my face, his thumb tracing my cheekbone. I close my eyes and unconsciously lean into that hand, into that caress that I had missed.

"After you left, I couldn't focus on anything," Lex whispers, pulling me into an embrace. His lips are right next to my ear. "I couldn't look at Desirée, couldn't laugh, smile, anything. And I realised it was because you had walked out with my heart."

He pauses, pressing a kiss to my ear. "I'm so sorry, Clark. I fucked this up and I don't-"

"Shut up," I say, not wanting to hear anymore. All that matters to me is that he's here. He's holding me, he's here. I feel the hurt in me ease a little, and breathing becomes a bit easier.

"I don't know how I can make this up to you," Lex continues, babbling. "I don't expect you to forgive me... Just..."

"Lex," I interrupt. "Don't start something you can't finish." The words come out in a whisper, but by the way his eyes widen fractionally, I know he remembers when he said the exact same words to me.

"Wasn't planning on it," he whispers back.

I press my lips to his, loving the way they feel. Slightly rough, but still soft and perfect against mine.

He pulls me tighter against him, a moan sounding low in his throat. I open my mouth slightly, allowing his tongue in.

We only break apart when oxygen becomes necessary, each of us breathing heavily.

"Clark," Lex says, pressing his forehead against mine. "I'll fix this, I promise. Don't give up on me. Please."

"I won't."

* * *

_So, what did you all think? As I was writing this, and constantly tearing my hair out because I felt that it wasn't perfect enough, I was watching Jordan Rubin perform of Comedy Central and he was talking about Superman. Talk about coincidence. Lord, he's hysterical. Anyway, read, review, send me love. Love and kisses and Nutella to you all._


End file.
